while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
