i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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