i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
