I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
