birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
