so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Come see our sink grown plant.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
