I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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