none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
