It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
