my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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