Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
