Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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