Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
