I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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