were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
