this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
