I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
