I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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