Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Never underestimate the power of titties
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
