I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
