then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
