i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
