It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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