wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
