There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
