I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
