we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
