i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
