I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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