First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
