You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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