Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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