Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
