So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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