I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
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noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
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I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
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She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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