I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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