I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
