she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't deserve a penis
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
