i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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