doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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