At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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