my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
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It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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