Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
