At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm way too hungover for life right now
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
