he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
