The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
