i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
