she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This baby is an asshole
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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