he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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