Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
