She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
3pm strippers are depressing
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
