smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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