Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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