I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
