i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
