..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
