Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
