I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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