if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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