I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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