That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
