In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
