did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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