So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
