Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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